A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,


Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I did not do.



The mother exclaimed, But thats terrible


Iam going to have a talk with your teacher about this


by the way, what was it that you did not do?

The little girl replied, My homework.
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Employee: Boss, I?ve got married. Can I get a pay rise?
*
*
Boss: We do not compensate for the accidents that happen outside of the work place.
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Teacher: Here is a math problem.


If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half,


what should he have?


Student: A heart attack.

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Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another,

how many dollars would you have?


Vincent: One dollar.


Teacher: You do not know your arithmetic.


Vincent: You do not know my father.
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Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?


Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write?


Sylvia: Your name on this report card.

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Physics Teacher: Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree

when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity.
Isn?t that wonderful?

Student: Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us,
he wouldn't have discovered anything.
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When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.


My grandmother would tell me, You're next


However, she stopped doing that after



I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
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A boy got a miss call. He went to school and asked his teacher:

Miss why did you send me a call?

Teacher: I didn?t.

Boy: Well my phone says I got a miss call.
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Jerry: I have eaten beef all my life and now Iam as strong as a bull.

Paul: That is queer. I have eaten fish all my life and yet I can not swim a stroke.
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Lady: Is this my train?


Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.


Lady: Don not try to be funny.

I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.


Station Master: No Madam, Iam afraid it?s too heavy.

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A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.


He looks up in the sky and says, Is that the sun or the moon?


The other drunk man answers, I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself.

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Wife :- I Hate That Beggar.


Husband :- Why??


Wife :- Yesterday I Gave Him a Food


Today He Gave Me a Book.."How to Cook!"
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Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged


Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whiskey ?


This is called....Solid Positive Thinking....
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KID : Why some of ur hair are white dad ?


DAD :  Every time a son make his dad  unhappy ,

one of his father's hair turns white..!


KID :- Now understand why


grandpa's hairs are all white.
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Teacher: Which One Is Closer, Sun Or Africa?


Johnny: Sun Teacher: Why?


Johnny: We Can See The Sun All The Time, But Can?t See Africa.
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 Interviewer -  If The Earth Rotates 30 Times Faster ,


What Will Happen ?


 Candidate -  We Will Get Our Salary Everyday
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Japanese Prime Minister: Give me Bihar for 3 years,

we will turn it into Japan.

Laloo: Giveme Japan for 3 months, I will turn it into Bihar.
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An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.


During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.


Husband: What Happened?


Wife: Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment.


Husband: U cheated me..


Wife: U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks

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A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant, Are you single?

I happily replied, Yes...

She took away the extra chair in front of me!
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During a job interview :


Boss : What's the highest level of education you obtained?


Candidate : PHD


Boss : Great! So that means you have a Doctor degree ...


Candidate : Wellll, No... That means


Passed High school with Difficulties (P.H.D.)
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Class Room is Like a Train


1st Two Benches r Reserved For VIP . .


Next Two Benches r General coach


Then
Last Two Benches r Vry Demanded.
:
:
Bcz Its SLEEPER COACH..!! They are always Reserved for Topper in Dreams Only
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After robbing the bank, 1 robber to clerk : Did you see me robbing?


Clerk : Yes I saw u.


Robber killed him and asked to the next clerk : Did u?


Second Clerk : No, but my wife saw u!